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My real issue surrounding washing machines is the inexplicable jargon and code they display on the front. These nonsense icons and random letters and numbers make little comprehension to a normal well-adjusted person such as myself. When all I want to do is quickly wash a few shirts for the upcoming week, I find I have to search through libraries and trawl through the internet looking for translations of said hieroglyph-type drawings on the machines dials. All I want is the quick-wash function! Which – by the way – is only available once you’ve figured out which part of the drawer the powder goes in. Its usually a one in three chance, so every third wash comes out okay. Which is fine because I can simply re-wash the other two there and then. But when I come to wash my clothes again a week later, I have forgotten the correct procedure, and so the whole process starts again. It can get very frustrating.

In fact, all I ever want from my washing machine is the quick-wash function. Why do I need to tell my machine what I’m putting in it? As far as I can work out (and I could be wrong), my washing contraption does not have a dog-cycle, nor does it have a dish-cycle or a sofa-cycle. To the best of my translating abilities, I believe it does have:

– Woolen – lightly soiled
– Woolen – heavily soiled
– Woolen – high temperature
– Cotton – lightly soiled
– Cotton – heavily soiled
– White – cotton
– White – lightly soiled
– White – heavily soiled
– White – low temperature
– Colour-fast
– Colour-non-fast
– Quick cycle
– Short spin
– Long spin
– Super spin
– Drain cycle
– Various temperatures that can be combined with all of the above.

It has more choices and buttons than a Saville Row tailor! Tell me, do you really know what every single button does on your machine?

I swear I only bought the washing machine because I was getting fed up of having to cart all my laundry down to the river. I do not want to launch a rocket into space, nor do I want to break the sound barrier on a vibrating cube. I just want my clothes to be clean.

My washing machine scares me because I don’t know what it is fully capable of. For all I know, I could innocently set it on Super Spin one day and find out it is a champion ballroom dancer. And not knowing this worries me. Am I going to come home one day and find my pet rabbit in the microwave?

And microwaves! When did they get complicated!?